Women Of Destiny

During today's sermon, while listening to Pastor Bray, this incident that happened years ago kept replaying itself in my head.

I was primary 1. It was the first camp that i attended, a church camp.

I remember vividly that we were having an afternoon break. My best friend and i were running around the big room where we were supposed to sleep, the sleeping mattress were already laid out neatly over the room. So we were running around with the rest of the kids, with nothing to do since we cant go elsewhere.

I was chasing her when this girl who is around our age, approach my friend with her entourage behind her. I ran to friend's side just in time to hear the girl asked," Let's play together." My friend nodded and walked off with them, me trailing close behind, somehow i just assume that since i was with my friend, i'm invited to play too (aiya, kid's mentality is that simple).

Suddenly, the girl turned around and faced me, "Sorry, but we dont want to play with you." Without another word, she turned around and walked off with my friend. ( Seriously, im not sure if my friend heard her, but she sure didnt come after me.)


I could only recall walking back to my mattress, sat down on it, took out my camp handbook and started doodling on it. I wasnt even seeing what i was colouring because my vision was blurred. My face became wet with tears, and i was just..weeping quietly, trying not to catch anyone's attention. As a kid, i guess i felt it was very embarrassing to cry. I kept my head bent over the book, i knew no one would see me that way. There was this ach-y feeling that i felt in my heart. I wanted to see my mummy so very much at that moment!

It was then that a few of my closer friends came. They sat around me and asked why i was alone. I think they knew i was crying because they were very concerned. "They dont want to play with me" i said simply, still not really able to see them.

The next minute, they were saying how my "best friend" is a bad friend and i shouldnt bother about her and they would play with me etc, you know, stuff that primary 1 kids would say. I cheered up almost immediately (not because my best friend is a bad person, but because i knew at least there were someone else who cared).

This is one of the earliest rejection i got when i was a kid. Well, of course many more came along the way and i think i just got use to it. I soon learnt that this is something that i have to face, and slowly it just grew into me, along with low self-esteem and low confidence.

What i learnt from today's sermon is just this: It is not a personality.

I realised i had been suppressing myself for so long; the things i had wanted to do but didnt due to fear of failure and fear of being different. Imagine the things all of us could achieve if we hadnt been stopped by our self-consciousness?

*AIYA, cant remember who is that girl anymore, if not i would......