Women Of Destiny

cynthia's post is really disturbing me. it shouldn't be. i mean real christians shouldn't be scared, they should be celebrating that god is returning. oh boyy.

i'm stressing here. if i don't buck up, hell is a great possibility. i mean, for eternity. we always use it as and without realising it's real meaning. when you think about, the word is as impactful as the word rape. gah. that word makes my heart stop.

anyway, the easiest way to understand it as i figured out is to imagine one typical day. the day will just repeat itself, over and over again. for a week, a year, a century, a millenium, forever. you just keep going. sleep to wake up, wake up to sleep. that's if you have a good life. in hell, you receive world war 2 torture or worse everyday. non-stop. no break, no light,no companions. far worse than the jews. i heard that they totured one man/woman by grabbing him/her by the fours and banging his/her head against the wall until they died. having that everyday, but not dying. you can't; you've already died in hell. that redefines scary.

i'm not that good at explaining, but i hope you understand. i have more gory ideas of what my hell will be like but i know even i can't sleep after that.
but i can recall my dream of when god returned.

there were hurricanes everywhere, people announcing 'god is coming!'.
'god is coming' my mother said solemnly. she was all ready, all prepared. i felt surreal.
i'm going to die, i'm going to die.i can't die, there are so many things i haven't done. i went hysterical. running in the streets, i grabbed people's hands and begged, blabbered in utter panic.

"please believe in god!" i could even remember the girl's face. she was my classmate, the type supposedly the easiest to reach out to. why didn't i ask her before?
"why should i?" she looked at me, recoiling at my agressive manner.
"you don't understand! i'm going to die! please, please, believe, god is coming." i was desperate. maybe if i saved more people god will just allow me into his kingdom. as i pleaded an impending hurricane drew closer. it was about to suck me into hell.

i couldn't recall what happened after that. i think i woke up after that, but i couldn't breathe. it was horrifying. it was so real.

did you ever feel like two people sometimes?
i always do. the side that longs to lose weight,get great grades, beat everyone in any position in any type of silent competition, be surrounded with friends, have a perfect life, perfect personality, perfect looks. people so afraid of rejection, so reluctant to work, so terrified of not meeting their own expectations of everything.

the other side who staunchly believes in inner beauty, that hard work will reward itself, rather to have true friends than friends in quantity, the one who'd rather obey than to search for worldly obession. sadly this side almost never shows.
it's tough, but we have to decide. who do we want to be? face it, we can change in a blink of an eye sometimes. just that some of us can do it quicker and more often. no one wants to end up like me, begging for people to believe on the streets.

so what can we do to earn a passport to heaven? i suppose we have to obey. truthfully i have no idea, but we're all still learning after all.

love
brenda

The Hope of the Resurrection (The Master's Coming)
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (NLT)
And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.
We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words.

Reference from AsiaOne Digital 20 July 2008 (Kelvin Teh ) Click on link to see article

oh my. the 100th post. but this is a lame one-i only want to ask 2 questions.

1.who wants to change the blogskin?
2.i'm knida interested in project smile. anyone else interested? :D

there you go. happy 100th post cell!

love
brenda

Hello!! I am posting... Pris asked me to do so I am doing it..

Actually I am posting this while waiting for a youtube video to load. I am supposed to watch videos of other choirs performing the songs that we are going to perform on Founders Day for my school. We are performing the songs "All things bright and beautiful" and "For the beauty of the Earth" composed by John Rutter. You all may have heard it before. :)

This year, since my school is celebrating its 120th anniversary, my NEW principal, who just came in this year, came up with this brillant idea of having the ceremony and celebrations at the field!! under the moon light.... doesnt it sound exciting? what a brillant plan right?? actually, NO! not to me that is.. Can u imagine, wearing a gown, that may touch the ground, and wearing heels, silver coulour that is, Stepping all over the mud for 2 days straight?? dirtying the gown that cost so much and can only be dry cleaned, the shoes that is probably going to last me till the end of my Secondary school life. Oh ya, forgot to mention choker.. haha.. ZZZ.. The weather, wearing a gown from afternoon to night, for 2 days.. There is a full dress rehearsal just the night before and the next night is the actual thing, both, lessons still continue in the morning as per normal i think..

But looking on the brighter side of things, we may be allowed to skip half a day.. haha. There was also a funfair. But that happens once every 5 years. great fun to take part in a fun fair!!

Anyway, but the songs are nice, they are acutally Christian hymns about how great and wonderful God is. But the songs are quite slow at least, for now. We are expected to learn a song within 3 weeks, competition standard. AHH!!! it is not very nice to be in the choir at this stage of learning, the conductors are getting stressed and fed up, shouting at us to get our notes right plus all the dynamics also to memorise it.. atleast this time the song is in english, last time we were to learn a philippino song within 2 weeks for a concert. not a good idea. MORE SHOUTING AND SCREAMING!! conductor even walked out, teachers cried, lots of prep talk. The feeling of all this is not nice!!*shakes head* however, once you start winning competiontions or doing well in concerts, there is this sense of achievement in you and also seeing how happy the conductors and teachers are.. It starts to get fun.. but the truth is, it is actually a cycle,to do well in all of these things. u need to work really hard. But it really pays off after a while.. practices get cancelled, not more tension for a while.. it is quite enjoyable..

the truth is, i am enjoying choir, the friends, the teachers, even the sondustoars though some may seem overly fierce. it is a whole new experirence a new event comes up. So, give ur CCA a chance, do not hate it.. I used to hate being in choir, but now, it is more like a routine, like every mondays and fridays, staying back after school ends at 2.15 to go for choir until the evening like 6 plus. sometimes also on thursdays for extra sectionals.. :)

ok, this is quite a random post but.. here it is Pris. apologies ppl..

bel

"use your talent and passion! that's your ministry!" or somewhere along that line. the pastor's words echoed in heart. the bus swayed and bumped, as did my mind. talent. talent. talent.

like what? i could never top everyone in a certain something. the blue sky only smiled back in reply.

"um, we'll like to thank all those who have supported us during the nationals, because..." her voice trailed a few octaves higher. gradually the school focused their attention on her. the track captain fought back tumbling tears four days later during morning assembly.

"cedar track will..will continue to strive for greater heights. to give anything less than your best is to sacrifice a gift. thank you,"unusually loud applause saluted the whole track team's courage despite them dissolving in tears. they had dropped from the national top 3 to the national fourth for the c division, and i witnessed it.

the girls had grown wings and flown. if i only could have such talent, such wonder. but they impacted me none the same. that tag line of theirs dawned on me finally.

intrigued, it just so happened that phillip and i touched on the same subject.

people, are like raw materials. talents are the gems. you take the raw materials and build up a person but the talents-you must discover.and when you discover them. you must purify, cut and refine.you can't expect a newly discovered gem to look more radiant than one already cut, but it's still a gem alright. the words spilt forth.
i could almost imagine the bespecacled encourager in that crisp crimson shirt, saying with much earnesty in the backdrop of the place where we always study. people bustle by, with others burying their heads in books and mixed scents of fresh waffles

in that world, i lift up my hot chocolate that drifts in lazy spirals, tempting my tongue. but still i first resist and laugh. then where do i find mine? i always wanted to be able to use whatever that i have for the lord or something .

he seems to consider this for a moment, but only a moment.
start with who you are, he says.
what makes you different from the rest of the people.

now i laugh. the warmth of the hot chocolate tickles a smile from my lips. but back in my own seat in front of the computer in this world, i pause to consider. perhaps i would try. i always wondered what i would be in the future, but the future is now. that's what makes it exciting.

just maybe, a tiny jewel enveloped within rests quietly. encouragement, passion and hot chocolate would stir on the adventurer to find it's shine. it may take years, but most importantly, it starts now.

in search of
brenda

the day didn't start well.

there was a blackout in the band room, and we struggled to get our instruments in the dark.
when the lights did come back on, an unpleased conductor strode in. she scolded and fussed all throughout from the bus to victoria concert hall.

then there was much confusion when we got all mixed up while queqing to go into the hall to perform. we even scolded for wanting section photos before the performance. we took a long time to settle down, rushed through the song in certain parts and even during the songs the conductor was telling us how wrong we were.

softer, louder, slow down, dynamics! she screamed in minute movements of the lips and brows, especially with her eyes piercing with annoyance.

"i didn't even dare to look at her when we went down," my senior confessed guiltily.
"wow, that school's soloists were brilliant" some of us were discussing. the afterward sentence of "they'll get the gold, not us" hung heavliy in the air, tugging at our hearts, but remained unspoken.
i went home neutral yet exhausted. well when we have the next practice we are really going to get it.

yet who knew.
at 5.39, the results were out. WE GOT GOLD WITH DISTINCTION, WELL DONE DARLINGS! my senior's sms screamed. i was open mouthed. we even got the top spot for the whole of third division! even with so many things against us! so THANK YOU for your prayers, i greatly appreciate it! i'll try my best to bake tonight, heh. my sister's exhausted the oven with her delicious apple pies baking in there though. anyhow, thank you! (:

p.s i'm sorry the beginning was such a spoiler, but i couldn't resist. and that hwa chong got their butt kicked. i hope you don't mind. heh.

love
brenda

hehe, today i don't have much to post for motivational talks or anything, but i do have a request. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME FOR THIS SATURDAY. i'm having a competition (same division as hwa chong, haha!) and i really cannot play properly. gahh. yup, so i won't be able to make it for cel this week. sorry ): but anyhow i have pretty seniors RIGHT. we're in the band room by the way. please pray that the band will help to clinch a gold! sorry, but that's the only urgent thing on my mind that i can post about. heeh. if we do i'll bake you yummy cookies. state who you are and expect cookies galore!

love,
brenda

Have you heard complaining kids, and ever wondered why they complain so much? (not that I hardly complain, but yes, wondered about it?) The kids will be vehemently complaining or whining about certain things, and Daddy will come in and say firmly, "No more whining. Come along now."

I complain too, but this time it wasn't me, it was my little nephew kid complaining to my cousin.
"I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE DENTISTTT!", Jovan whined.
"You have to go to the dentist, check your teeth! Do you want black teeth? No, right? Besides Auntie Prissy (omg yes they call me that) is also going." My cousin politely rebutted.

In the end, it was a rather successful trip to the dentist, with Jovan coming out happily carrying two massive lollipops as bribes (from my cousin, not the dentist!). Good, strong teeth, what can I say?
Everything our fathers do, ultimately, it is for our own good. I can always envision the Father's hand extended to grab their son's hand to guide them along, or bring them to the right place. Which is exactly how God does things.

"Come along now, son."

"No, I don't wanna!" (whiny kid, haha)

"It's for your own good."

This may be how a conversation between God and a young kid go.
God always does what is best for us, and does things that will benefit us, not harm us. Trust in God and take his hand, believing that He will bring us to the right place, at the right time.
"Cast all your cares on the Lord for he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Things may come and go,
things will always change.
But the one thing that remains constant,
will be the love of God our Father.
We may not understand the things He does,
but whatever He does,
it's for our good.
God may give and take,
be it little ones,
or time-weary ones,
just bear in mind,
He does it for us.

During today's sermon, while listening to Pastor Bray, this incident that happened years ago kept replaying itself in my head.

I was primary 1. It was the first camp that i attended, a church camp.

I remember vividly that we were having an afternoon break. My best friend and i were running around the big room where we were supposed to sleep, the sleeping mattress were already laid out neatly over the room. So we were running around with the rest of the kids, with nothing to do since we cant go elsewhere.

I was chasing her when this girl who is around our age, approach my friend with her entourage behind her. I ran to friend's side just in time to hear the girl asked," Let's play together." My friend nodded and walked off with them, me trailing close behind, somehow i just assume that since i was with my friend, i'm invited to play too (aiya, kid's mentality is that simple).

Suddenly, the girl turned around and faced me, "Sorry, but we dont want to play with you." Without another word, she turned around and walked off with my friend. ( Seriously, im not sure if my friend heard her, but she sure didnt come after me.)


I could only recall walking back to my mattress, sat down on it, took out my camp handbook and started doodling on it. I wasnt even seeing what i was colouring because my vision was blurred. My face became wet with tears, and i was just..weeping quietly, trying not to catch anyone's attention. As a kid, i guess i felt it was very embarrassing to cry. I kept my head bent over the book, i knew no one would see me that way. There was this ach-y feeling that i felt in my heart. I wanted to see my mummy so very much at that moment!

It was then that a few of my closer friends came. They sat around me and asked why i was alone. I think they knew i was crying because they were very concerned. "They dont want to play with me" i said simply, still not really able to see them.

The next minute, they were saying how my "best friend" is a bad friend and i shouldnt bother about her and they would play with me etc, you know, stuff that primary 1 kids would say. I cheered up almost immediately (not because my best friend is a bad person, but because i knew at least there were someone else who cared).

This is one of the earliest rejection i got when i was a kid. Well, of course many more came along the way and i think i just got use to it. I soon learnt that this is something that i have to face, and slowly it just grew into me, along with low self-esteem and low confidence.

What i learnt from today's sermon is just this: It is not a personality.

I realised i had been suppressing myself for so long; the things i had wanted to do but didnt due to fear of failure and fear of being different. Imagine the things all of us could achieve if we hadnt been stopped by our self-consciousness?

*AIYA, cant remember who is that girl anymore, if not i would......

Since the 40 Day Prayer and Fast has started, I seem to be more and more frustrated with myself. I just don't seem to get the hang of things and I feel like I'm lagging behind in school. Hoards of miserable feelings just come rushing in, leaving me no room to feel good about what I am doing or saying.
Something I don't want to feel :/
Recently, during band practices, I've found out that I have this locked-jaw syndrome. Everytime I run out of air, I will lock my jaw, and be unable to play anymore. It seriously affects my playing, and ugh, I am kinda getting irritated over this.
Maybe the factor leading most to my teenage misery is my parents. I really don't understand what they want me to do, or whatever. I feel like they are expecting waay too much from me, and I have no way of meeting up to their expectations. I think I am past the stage of feeling angry with them, I guess I'm just feeling weird and out of sorts now. It doesn't make sense, this way I'm feeling, but I do guess that we will need God's help to pull us through. Last night, before I went to sleep, I asked my dad really nicely about why they were disallowing me from going for the Poetry Slam Workshop. And guess what dear old dad did, he laughed, shrugged it off, and told me to think for myself. What he did was probably not meant to hurt me, but in any case, it still did. Maybe it was that feeling of him totally ignoring me, and treating me like a retard, or it could also be that feeling of being snubbed and not having him answer me. I really want to go for this Poetry Slam Workshop (even though it coincides with Ps Serene meeting up with the rest of us). I feel that they are holding me back all the time, without giving me the room or space to think. Gahh, nevermind, pray.
Okay, gotten my solution. Shall pray and die trying to let parents allow me to go for the Poetry Slam Workshop/Competition. AHHH OMG I WANT TO GOOOO.

family, has really a big impact in each and everyone and of cos that includes me. i bet all of u noe, my parents' are divorced. so naturally, my mum would pay more attention to us and yea, be more sensitive and all that. so yea, she took care of us, loved us any mother could possible love their children and everything.

heh, and i kinda have bad blood with my father D: cos of that time i went to perth that incident. and i remember how happy i was seeing him going there and never coming back. now i kinda miss him D: my freedom with him, the joy, laughter and everything.

my mum never gave me that type of freedom, happiness. she just gave me occasional laughters and all those thingys. life with both my parents and now, with one parent is so different.

at that very point of time, life was kinda tough for me. (LOL i sound old D:) parents getting divorced, going into a new school, siblings busy with wad their doing, studying..and all that stuffs, really complicated. and hahah! u noe why u guys dunno it was so tough? xD cos i didnt share with u all and u all didnt find anything weird about me cos im crazy all the time. LOL.

but yea, i prayed to God about it and hoped He would work miracles in my life. but yea, reality.

so subsequently, 'family' was not important to me. the house was just a place for staying. 'family' only came alive when my cousins came together and we joke and play. or else, 'family' is just a word. but my mother, just by scolding me, or being biased towards my siblings, would cos me to cry in bed or even cry myself to sleep becos of this jealousy or even the hurt that my siblings wouldnt share with me this 'love' that my mother gives them.

and there were points of time where my mother after the divorce had a boyfriend; who was not a christian. my older brother had he's a's and my sister smoking i dunno why and my little brother so young and innocent. i kinda felt that the 'family' pressure was all on me. i didnt want to share with anyone this unbearable pain in my heart. till a point of time i broke down infront of all my relatives(and yes, so embarrasing xD) and of cos i shared and i felt so much better(:

and im sure that God created that moment, that very hour, minute, second for that very gathering to happen. just to let me we happier and not feel so alone and trapped inside me. and miracles do happen in people's life (: it's only whether u believe they do, and if u believe that God would do them for u (:


and gosh pris ! my mum is super biased ! LOL. i guess being the 3rd child is terrible D: or maybe the center child. guess wad? because my sister and younger bro came back from Perth -.-
and gosh, their getting everything they want ! D: crumpler bags, adidas shoes, overshot bills ( and my idoitic sister is asking me to pay for using it when she was in Perth! and thats another biased story D:) oh man, i just hate this part of my life. and now, cos they came back, i got to sleep on the floor ! congrates. and life's not getting any better with them around D: but i guess God would help me with this another crisis eh? (: oh boy, i just love my God <3

okay, enough of my nonsense and naggings. it's already 2 going to 3 in the morning and im still here ! :D i still haven do finish my homework. heh, going to do it now ;D

Okay, Ellyn has been bugging me to post, and I finally got it.
I know what to post about!

Get this, MY PARENTS.
These few days, I am beginningly starting to feel more and more stifled by them. They do not allow this, do not allow that. And I'm starting to think, "Hello, I'm growing up, you needn't control me so much anymore."
Take for example, the China Exchange Programme which I signed up to be in. Before I got through all the interview rounds and everything, they were supportive, and told me that it would be a great learning experience and everything. But, oh no, once the time comes to put in a deposit, they're all suddenly, "You haven't been doing housework, how can we allow you to go for the China trip?!"
I have to come up with a proposal, at which I will torture myself daily, doing housework. Quite a number have already been rejected, and finally, after they have approved of one, they tell me, "Maybe you shouldn't go. I don't think our money may be able to stretch that far."
LIKE WTH OMG KILL ME FAINT DROP DEAD ON THE SPOT I CAN'T STAND THIS OMG 98754%^&*()*&^%$#%^&*()_(*&^%$#%^&*()
Another good example, I have been chosen to take part in this Poetry Slam competition, which is a really good learning experience too. And there is a workshop at which to prepare myself for the competition. But, "oh no, Priscilla, you shouldn't be attending this, it's a waste of time and money. Will this actually benefit you in the terms of your studies?"
Sometimes, I really can't stand it. I know, respect your parents blahblah, but seriously, at times, they really really make me irritated/annoyed/unhappy. They keep harping on studies, studies, studies! I wish they would slacken their hold on me. I don't even have the guts to tell them that I'm going out, or whatever, in fear of them stopping me. They tell me everything will be fine with God looking after us, but from how I see it, nothing is happening, and my father is just ugh argh bleaugh splat.
My parents seem to be holding me back all the time, scolding me here and there, and there is nothing I can say or do that will make them change their minds. I do want to do well in my studies, and will make the effort to, but with my parents breathing down my neck all the time, and with them restricting me here and there, I think I've reached my limit.
SHIT WTH I CAN'T STAND IT.