Women Of Destiny

as much as i am hyped up for sunday, i don't feel all godly today. sadly. i'm feeling really mixed now.

i mean, all the tests are raining down, and competition's nearing. we're so not prepared. i mean, if we don't get gold, they'll say the exco of 08 to 09 is useless, and we can't do anything about it. i'm just so scared. but as comfort, i'll recall what fear had done to me.

my cousin jasper(his other name, for privacy purposes if he happens to stumble here)and i were quite alright as childhood friends. in the past, i always considered him inferior to me because he would kick and scream when asked to bathe and somehow nearly be strangled while playing with the curtain strings. well i am defintely more sensible than that, i reasoned.
things got different when my aunt got breast cancer. i don't recall much during this period, but it got difficult to talk to him. my first sentence couldn't be "how is the hospital treating her?" or something. she eventually got better, but then a bombshell hit.

she died. the cancer cells had somehow spread and she had passed away. this turned everyone's world upside down. in two years his maturity shot though twenty mental years or so. other guys would be dunking each other's heads in the water, but jasper would have been playing with the younger, lonely kids. i became the unwise, the small and irresponsible.it was horrible during chinese new years, having to face the awkward situation. something unusual happened when i went for my niece's one month instead.
we were in a room with all the other cousins, when in an attempt to break the ice, he sheepishly asked me if i was still a workaholic.

"what workaholic? i've never been one!" i scoffed, bemused.

"no, last year you brought your textbook to study during po po's birthday dinner remember?" he frowned. he was talking about when i was about to have my big exam and i hadn't studied enough. i laughed at the stupid thought and denied it. before it could quickly returned to that weird silence again, i began to clean up all the dirty plates.
"what are you doing? oh no no, i'll do that for you!" he rushed over.
"it's ok, i can..."
"no no, you're a guest here, you shouldn't do anything." with a smile, he turned and left. as much as it was ordinary, it made me think.

we were family, and this action was a huge contrast to the 'get the coke yourself, make yourself at home' rule. it made me almost feel as if we were strangers to each other. and he might have even thought i was the more hardworking and better cousin. then it hit me. my fear and itimidation had created a barrier for donkey years, and prevented our family ties from growing stronger. wasn't that stupid of us? it was terribly ironic. after that i made an effort to know all my cousins, and we had a great time during new year.

but my point to myself and everyone is, fear can create barriers. not for safety, but of blessings. in my case, it'll prevent myself from doing my best. has fear been holding you back from your dream to be a singer, a desginer, a teacher or even a preacher? so we should all pray about it. (:

till sunday,
brenda