Women Of Destiny

Okay, I know I have never posted here despite the long long time that this blog has been up. But I've been regularly reading the cell blog So, I guess it was after reading all your posts for so long that has finally got me round to be a more active participator here, :}

Anyway, this past few weeks has been extremely hectic and stressful for me, with the performances spanned over consecutive days over the next few weeks, Dance trainings is in full force and had started as early as the holidays, 9-5 everyday for two weeks, on top of that there was deadlines to meet homework to finish and school was starting, as much as I hoped that I would for once have a more peaceful holiday, that time never came around.

And among all this hustle of life, yet there are times where emptiness seem to have just washed over me. Some of you may have felt this way ? But, its during those moments that it feels like nothing is really worth it anymore, even God doesnt seem to be there. And then, just yesterday a certain incident got me thinking, what's with all the things that we busy ourselves with ? What's with all the excuses that we give to God for not making enough time for him ?

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly tired and unmotivated. The first week of school was hardly even over, and dance practices plus desperately trying to start the first week of school off right was starting to take its toll on me, and I could already feel myself wearing out. Whatever it was, I went for dance trainings later that day. Feeling exceptionally moody already, Training was no help at all. Our Choreo was not completed and our shows were on next week already, that aside, Right from the start the juniors had really bad attitudes, no sense of urgency, and they had hardly even know their steps. Still, they refused to put in any effort to practice, and any free time they get they sit down and chat. Even our trainer was starting to feel very annoyed, yet the unsensitive juniors were totally oblivious to this. What made it worse, was that seniors + trainers + Teachers have sat them down and talk to them nicely about this matter, how it concerns the reputation of our group etc. Three times already, and still the second last practice and they were still having the same bad attitude and laziness.
Seniors then felt very pressurised and stressed, because whatever that they were lacking in, we had to compensate for it in the way we dance. In other words, we had to put in thrice the efforts.

I told myself, that whatever it was, it didnt matter if they didnt give a two cents worth about anything, it didnt matter if they refused to put in effort, it didnt matter at all, because those who were willing to work hard would make up for it. Every practice, I told myself that over and over, everytime I felt frustrated I told myself that. But yesterday, as much as I tried to beleive in that, It seemed almost absurd. As I danced through that same dance countless times, as I tried so hard to get everything right, As I tried so hard to tell myself that everything would be okay, I felt horrible, because Something kept telling me that it wont. That day, I dance to a point where I dissolved into tears, That day, I danced on emotion and rhythm and not on the restrictions on proper techniques. Because, I felt that everything had come to a point where I just felt as if it was all out of control, emotions piled high, I never realised that there was a limit to how much one could actually feel.

As friends crowded around me, taken aback by the sudden breakdown, questions were strewn at me. But their words flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither while they pass, I took notice of none. A sinking feeling in my heart, that I really could not fanthom. I didnt know what to say, or even how to translate the emotions that I was feeling all at once. It was after that, as I talked about things with a friend of mine, that she said something that struck me. " Dont worry, God will take care of this. "

And then I went home, I thought about it. God will take care of this ? I have hardly ever made time for God, I have gave God countless excuses why I forget to talk to him, I have used God at times only when I feel that I really need him. And, Umpteen times I have placed God not as my number one priority, and here I am to beleive that God will take care of all this. it was then, that I remembered what I had once heard, God is always there, its your choice on whether you would like to come to him or not. It suddenly dawn upon me that, all the excuses that I gave, that I was busy with school, dance and whatnot, they were all just nothing but mere untrue things that I tell God, in order to make me feel less guilty. Because, If I was busy then I would have no time to talk to him and spend time with him. It plagues me somewhere in my heart, never ending and it never ceases.Something would always question me over and over, like a broken old tape recorder, " why am I unable to trust in him as readily that I would like to? "

And then, as I try to answer my own questions, I realise something. It is not that we are busy, we say that we are busy in order to have something so that we'll feel less guilty, Its not that God takes note of every wrong thing we do and slowly distant himself away from us becuase with every sin that he takes note of, he finds out the more sinful we all are. It is more of the fact that, we think we are unworthy, and we think that we have done so much wrong, that even we are disgusted at ourselves, so how can God actually be able to love sinners like us ? But we often forget that, he is always here for us no matter how horrible we are feeling, when we hurt, he's feeling even more hurt. If not, why would he even have died for us in the first place ? [: I dont know about any of you, But I have found myself asking myself this many times, And I would always remember one incident where a friend told me that no matter what we do, even if we turn away from him, God will always be there ready for us to go back to him. So, whoever's feeling discouraged / sad / unmotivated etc. wouldn't it be nice to take comfort in the fact that God would always be there ? 8)

Love,
Cherish

P/s: Sorry, I know my thoughts and everything are very messy, I scored badly in writing !